Babysitting woes!

I am a single mom now. We know this. But I am in a bit of... **checks thesaurus.com**... an imbroglio. (Oooh that's a great word!)

If I am to provide for my children I must work.

If I am to work, I need childcare.

If I am to have childcare, I need money.

If I am to get money, I need to work.

If I am to work...


You see my predicament? My perplexity? My impasse?

But really, the main problem is I can't find a sitter. ANYWHERE.

I need specific things: I need them to come to my house at 4:30 pm, and leave at 9:30 pm. I need them to work for $5 an hour. I need them on weekends.

But really, when I was babysitting, these were all standard requirements, right? Friday and Saturday nights, for 5 hours, at $5 an hour. Seems like there should be all manner of young teenagers wanting the job right?

Well where are they dammit?

I had a sitter for a while. She was 15 and lived in my complex. Then she moved.

I had another sitter for a couple of days. She was also 15, and I knew her family from doing balloons. She got a ride to my house and I gave her a ride back. But her parents didn't want her coming over here anymore. They preferred that I brought my kids over there. They said they would feel safer. But that just wouldn't work...

Sigh...

I have resorted to using the internet to search for babysitters. I've gone to care.com and registered for a free account. But the problem is, I don't know if potential sitters can contact me if I don't upgrade to a paid account. ($25 a month! Yikes!) I know for sure I can't contact them.

Again... sigh...

I am learning in Al-Anon that I need to do my best and then give my problem to my higher power, whatever or whoever that may be. So I'm hoping that all my efforts will have paid off... by tomorrow...

I am working alot of parties this week, but I can't work any restaurants until I have a sitter. I've already given up 2 shifts this week, and I am NOT going to give up my Friday and Saturday shifts at Dick's... no way...

Quite possibly the funniest thing on the internet...

OK not really *the* funniest thing on the internet, but still pretty damn funny if you ask me.

Warning: There are some REALLY offensive shirts on the site. As well as some pee-in-your-pants-shoot-coke-out-of-your-nose funny ones.

Also, if you click on my link and buy a shirt I get blood money. Just sayin.

I'm a crazy, crazy person... I feel so much better!

I'll tell you what.... I LOVE Al-Anon.

And here's why:

I have been feeling really tired and low and down for the past couple of days. I figured it was the beer I drank on Saturday night. Or maybe I just over extended myself with work. I even went so far as to think I was pregnant. (Yeah, not really possible, but I went there anyway because I'm crazy.)

Tonight was a joint Al-Anon/AA meeting, and my AA friend was going. My mom is off tonight and wanted to see the kids, so I decided to go to the meeting too. Especially since I've been feeling uncomfortable about my normal Monday night meeting. (They decided to make it a closed meeting and it's been a big drama and I just don't need that right now.) It seemed providential when I found out that this joint meeting is a step study, and they just finished Step 12 last week, so this week is Step 1 - I got to start again from the beginning.

The format was a little different from what I'm used to, but I ended up being called on to share. (This coming after me thinking to myself, "I hope they don't ask me to share," for the entire meeting.) There was a lady that shared about how when she's feeling low or tired, she assesses whether it's physical or not, (i.e. did you get enough sleep?). If it's not, then obviously it's mental and for us it's probably because there is a situation that we have no control over, yet we are still trying to control it. And the way Al-Anons are means that we will tell everyone we know (or don't know) about it, and contribute all our mental and emotional energy to it and wear ourselves out. But we learn that what we really need to do is just Let It Go. Can we control the situation? No. Can we change it? Nope. Can we fix it? Uh uh. So why are we so engrossed in worrying about it? All we can do is the best that we can and after that it's not up to us anymore.

It is so amazing to me that I don't have to worry about everything and make myself sick all the time. I'm so used to running crisis control that now that I don't have to... I forget that I don't have to. Does that make sense?

I left the meeting feeling about 876% better than when I arrived. I can't even explain it. I have energy again, whereas today all I wanted to do was sleep. I have motivation where before I only had apathy. I'm sure you can tell from my post that my mind is clearer, and I can better bring my thoughts to the keyboard. I didn't even have to take any pills!

I love it!

My kingdom for a camera cord!

I'm SOOOO wanting to upload pictures!!!!

Ugh. Anyway, I've just been reading Renee's blog and I want to be her when I grow up. I want fun things to write about but right now I'm just sick and I don't have a camera cord and I feel like whining... waaaa....

OK anyway, so I signed the final paperwork in the divorce on Monday, so as soon as the judge signs it I'm officially "single." But see, here's the thing. I'm not single. Anymore.

I'm dating this guy Billy (Bill) that I met at 777. I'm happy. I don't know how much about him I'm going to put online though. I guess we'll have to see.

Also... I REALLY am starting to resent tagging these entries. I know I should do it, but I just don't. Because then I'd have to start thinking about what I'm actually writing. And that just doesn't gel with my prefered method of rambling on until something cool comes out.

Blogging just isn't as interesting without pictures... sigh...

Posting... posting... posting...

Hmmm.... What do you people want to know about today? It's just not as interesting without pictures.

I cut my bangs yesterday.

My kids have started going to Al-Anon/Al-Ateen meetings. Kyle's really excited to find a way to "deal with all his anger."

My babysitter is moving... I may have mentioned that already.

Um... gosh what else?

I'm working 777 tomorrow and Dick's Saturday so if anyone wants to come out I'll be all dressed up!

I'm going to be an AUNT!

Elise is having a BABY!!!!

My only sibling, my baby sister, my weiser (pronounced weeser), is preggers!

And if that weren't enough, she's married now too! I have a brother-in-law and my kids have and Uncle Bob. Isn't that the coolest?

I'm going to be Aunt Keri...

That's weird.

OK so I was an aunt before, but not so much anymore since I'm not exactly in Josh's family's lives anymore. And because we weren't that close to Josh's family, I never really felt like an Aunt, (although I did feel like a sister-in-law). I know that sounds weird, but me, Josh, and the kids mostly kept to ourselves. Like we didn't really participate in all the family stuff. Well, sure we did sometimes, but I can count on both hands the number of times that ALL of us (me, Josh and one or both kids depending on the year) were involved. I don't know. I didn't always feel like I fit in.

It was even worse after I left Josh, obviously. I think it's hilarious now that when I went to go pick up the kids from his mom's house after work one night, I knocked on the door and Kyle wasn't allowed to open it. One of the girls had to open it but only after both kids were all the way ready. Shoes, jackets, backpack, and everything. Then Kyle and Marie were allowed out through a tiny crack. I had to wait on the doorstep and no one said one word to me. It really hurt me then, but I can laugh at it now. What's even funnier is that they told me once that I would always be a part of their family no matter what. I guess that would have applied if Josh left me instead of the other way around.

I do miss some parts though. I miss the dinners and the activities and the get togethers. I really miss being able to talk to my mom-in-law. I really felt loved, even if I didn't feel like I could always be myself. I'd have to censor myself, ya know? Like I would get in trouble for talking about my past. I know that I had left it behind and everything, but I think that sometimes you need to remember things so that you don't repeat them. Right? Like the Holocaust. Right? Ok, maybe not, but do you see my point?

ANYWAY this wasn't supposed to be about all that. Elise is having a baby!!! Yay! And her new husband is really cute. I think so anyway. But I've always been a sucker for tattoos.

I still think they might have jumped the gun, but I really, really hope it all works out for them.

I have so many baby things to make now!!

Hi Nick and Co!

Guess what? I totally paid my ticket! Yay! Now I only have to catch up on registration and 4 months of car payments and I'm back to normal bill paying!

So I worked at 777 tonight. I did really well there. I don't usually do really great when I work there, but tonight for some reason... I think it's because I have blonde hair right now...


I just took this pic just now and I'm too tired to take a better one. You can see how tired I am, can't you?

But yeah, so I think that's the secret to 777... blond hair...

ANYWAY

There was this group of people there tonight that were really fun. A couple of the guys had come in before, and one of them (Nick) swears I made fun of him in a past post. I think he's crazy. But I'm not going to go look for it because (as I mentioned) I'm REALLY tired. But I told him I'd blog about how much fun he and his friends are, so here I am. I'm going to try to remember all their names... I have this whole "Dory" memory thing happening, so we'll see how many I get right.

Going around the table there was Nick, um... the shy guy that was there the first time whose name I can't remember cause I suck, the other guy who's name I can't remember cause I suck (but he was wearing a yellow shirt), Christine (Christina? I can totally see all your faces!), Melissa, and home chick with the glasses and braids that bought me a Kamikaze shot. Wow. I'm REALLY bad at this... I'll remember them tomorrow... promise?

But yeah you guys made my night really fun. Thanks for everything!

PS: MC Escher is REALLY hard to make in balloons.

Moving up in (terms of) balloons

I have been helping on decor gigs for a little while now. Kris is usually the lead and I'm the assistant. Last week we did a 40 foot arch for the Make a Wish 5k. For this one Kris did the majority of the inflating and I did the majority of the (twisting? setting? arching?) placement. I only screwed up one time but we fixed it. This was a REALLY big arch.

I only have this picture because it was emailed to me. :)

But I've done lots of other things too. And so Michele has been grooming me to start doing decor gigs on my own. When I told her in all kinds of excitement that I had almost done this one by myself she decided that it was time... This Monday I'm doing my first decor gig all by my solo! It's really mostly because Kris is at Twist and Shout this week... So since he is out of town, I get to prove myself capable! Yay!

Turning, turning, turning through the years...

I am BACK, baby!

Well, the fallout for yesterday's post hasn't hit me yet, so woohoo!

I had planned on going to a Alanon meeting tonight, but it didn't happen. Turns out just about the time that I was supposed to leave, there was a big to-do in the front of my complex and I couldn't leave. Actually I think it must have been on the other side of the complex because I wasn't allowed to leave OR go over to the other side.

See, what happened was... I got to the only exit/entrance to my apartments and the way was blocked by several cop cars and a SWAT van. Then when the lady cop in the front told me I couldn't leave, I tried to drive around the back so I wouldn't have to turn around. But the way was blocked by more cop cars and an officer who informed me "You're gonna have to turn around sweetie." So I didn't end up going which is fine. My friends Lisa and Tommy had come over earlier and had dinner with us. Since they couldn't leave either, we all just hung out for a while. It was really nice! Lisa just published another book, too. I'll be posting about it soon. (I am having the weirdest case of deja vu right now...)

What all do I need to talk about now? Based on the list from yesterday's post:

Kyle
Elise
Alanon
Lisa's new book (which I already said I'll be posting separately about... but it's here if you can't wait for that. I TOTALLY recommend reading the excerpt! It's really short but it'll leave you wanting more!)

Kyle is seeming to adjust to all the changes. Unfortunately he's had to deal with this sort of thing before. Although he was really young last time. He was never very close to Josh, though so I think he's going to be ok. He's gotten really into World of Warcraft, and is always asking if he can go over to Josh's to play. We did have a subscription here, but... then some psycho lady took the computer... So now with Josh walking away, Kyle can't play. But it's ok in the long run because Kyle was getting really too addicted to it anyway. That was terrible grammar. It's kind of telling though, that when my mom was having her fit, Kyle only started crying when she said she was taking the computer. (This after all of her screaming and cursing.) Then she proceeded to tell him it wasn't his fault and that she wasn't punishing *him*. (Emphasize the word "him.") I asked him later if he was upset about her leaving and he said "No I'm upset about the computer." Like I said. Telling.

Elise (my little sister and only sibling) is preggers! She's also now married. I am in shock but I'm sending her good vibes. Just because *I* can't keep a marriage together doesn't mean hers won't be different. (Double negative... more bad grammar... jeez what is WITH me?) I'm just afraid that because we had the example of mom (and her 3 marriages) that Elise will have the same issues with relationships I do. But then again I could just be worrying for nothing. She's definately taken her life a different route than me, and I really hope it all works out for her. It's funny though because her new last name is Kent. Her maiden name is Clark. I really hope she has a boy so she can give him the middle name of Clark to kind of honor my dad since there's no boy to carry on the name: Brandon Clark Kent... or maybe Tyler Clark Kent... Look! Up in the sky! Heehee I'm terrible...

I've been REALLY needing to go to an Alanon meeting. I haven't gone to one in 2 weeks! I've either been working or fending off the crazies. I should really be putting more effort into my "homework" though anyway. That is, all the stuff that I should be reading and whatnot. I'm also HORRIBLE at calling my sponsor everyday! I've noticed that since I haven't been doing that, I've been backsliding. I just need to buckle down and DO IT!!

Oh! I have a sitter that's in the complex now. She's 15 and she comes to my house on the nights I have to work. The kids ADORE her. I just wish I didn't have to give her 25 bucks a night though... It's $5 an hour, and it's taking me twice as long to pay my bills because half of my tips go to the sitter. Again. Thanks alot psychomom.

I think that's all I have today.... I thought I had more.... but I guess not...

Check out my new layout!

Who am I? I'm Jean Valjean! Oh wait... no I'm not...

I am not going to apologize for my blatant lack of posts. I am not doing it! And I won't feel bad that I threw it out there that I'm getting a divorce and then didn't update as to how it's all going. No sir! No guilt here! None. At all...

So I've had a lot happen in the past month.

I may end up whining quite a bit in this post so feel free to roll your eyes and scroll down if that ends up being the case. :) And I don't have pictures. There are 2 reasons for that. The first one is that somewhere in between leaving the house and moving into the apartment, I lost the cable that connects my camera to my computer. But that was ok because my mom decided to get a new computer that came with a printer that had an SD card reader on it. When it stopped being ok is when my mom went into a menopausal fit and moved out. Taking the computer (with my pictures, music and work stuff on it) with her. I'm on my laptop at the moment so I can do the basics easily enough, but it's a MacBook, which means there's not a WHOLE lot of free space for pictures, music, and websites, and I can't use the same programs for work anyway. (But I will take this moment to say how much I LOVE my Mac!)

I think that was a run on sentence but I really don't care right now because the important thing is that I'm blogging! Which reminds me... I think I'm going to revamp my blog layout too... First things first though... must finish the entry...

ANYWAY

Things I need to talk about:

Josh
Marie
Work
Kyle
Mom
Elise
Alanon
Lisa's new book

I'll tackle at least some of these topics right now...

As far as the divorce goes, Josh has decided to walk away. He feels that it would be in the best interest of the kids if he were no longer in their life. I have to say that I don't hate him, and I tried to give him an out. "Are you sure this is what you want to do?" But he is sure. So even though everything isn't signed yet, he is already taking down all the pictures of the kids and is going to put everything of Marie's in my garage. I do honestly wish him all the best. I hope that he is able to put his issues behind him. Learning the things that I'm learning in Alanon, though, I don't know if he will. I truly do hope so, though. I still care about him as a human being, ya know? I don't like when people have to suffer.

Oh. Why am I letting him walk away from his responsibility, you ask? WELL.... Marie isn't his biological child. Yep. Let the controversial and/or hate comments begin! By the way, I know bio-dad is reading this. I need you to contact me please. I'm trying to get in touch with you... (Who wants the odds on whether he'll respond?)

That's right ladies and gentlemen! Real life! Putting it out there for all to see!

OK next topic...

Work has been kind of slow as far as parties are concerned. I've been working alot of restaurants, but the whole single mom thing takes some getting used to again. I'm still about a $100 short of rent... and I have to pay registration... and I had a ticket that i need to take care of before February 7th or else I get a warrant put out on me... ugh... what a pain... It's so funny because I'm so NOT that kind of person. It was a parking ticket that I kind of dropped the ball on. Well... I TOTALLY dropped the ball, I guess. But I can only fix as much as I can, when I can, ya know?

Michele (my "boss") is starting this new marketing thing where we can make more money by getting more accounts. I'm really excited about it, but I'm just not that great at sales. We'll have to see how it all goes. I'm supposed to be doing a database for her for a newsletter and email list. I'm working on it. It's a new thing though and I'm still climbing the learning curve. There's so much I want to do and my brain can't assimilate it all so I end up getting overwhelmed. I just have to keep telling myself to do one thing at a time. One day at a time. It's hard! I'm not complaining, though. Just commenting.

I'm going to skip talking about Kyle to talk about my mom first.

My mom is a control freak in the strongest sense of the word. She was really supportive when I was leaving Josh, and was really helpful with babysitting so that I could work. She moved in with me and the kids and was really great when it came to talking to the lawyer and helping me figure out what to do next. Well, every Sunday I have this Alanon meeting that I go to from 11-12. It's written in the calendar on the fridge and has been since the beginning of the month. (We're talking about January, here.) I'd also like to add that the calendar was her request so that she would know what my schedule would be seeing as how it's different every week. Well, last Sunday she left the house in the morning to go pay her car payment. She called about 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave for the meeting to tell me that she was going to run some more errands. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: "But I have to leave for my meeting."
Mom: "What meeting?"
Me: "My Alanon meeting."
Mom: "When is that?"
Me: "11 o'clock."
Mom: (upset) "Why didn't you tell me before I left?"
Me: "Well I thought you knew. It was on the calendar."
Mom: "How was I supposed to know? Your schedule changes every day!"
Me: "It's been on the calendar since the 1st!"
Mom: "Well, I don't look at that thing!"
Me: "Alright well, don't worry about it I just won't go."
Mom: "No, it's fine I'll be there as soon as I can!"

When she got home it was too late to go, which is fine because it's not like I HAVE to be there. But when I didn't leave as soon as she got here, she started yelling at me and telling me how I was a selfish bitch and I don't care about anyone else. One of her exact phrases was "You know, Josh was right. He said two things about you: that you're a selfish bitch and that you're a follower." All this time she was taking things out and throwing them in a pile. "I'm done, Keri. I'd rather live on the fucking street than live with you anymore!" She took all the dishes and silverware that she bought "for the apartment" and put them in a pile. She folded up the table and chairs that she bought "because we needed them" and unhooked the computer and took that too. Now, when we left the house she told me not to take anything like dishes or furniture because we were going to start off with "new and nicer" things. So it was quite the drama. This whole time she's yelling at me and literally shaking because she was so mad. I just sat there, calm and quiet, and let her do her thing. She later offered me the computer for $500 cash, which she knows I wouldn't have. When I asked her where I was supposed to get that, do you know what she said? "Why don't you borrow it from Mark?" As in, an ex-boyfriend of mine from over 5 years ago. Right?

So the whole point is that when I started getting my life organized and wasn't relying on her so much, she flipped out. She wasn't in control of everything anymore and I think that made her crazy. What's really funny is that she ended up getting an apartment in the same complex as me. So she's literally 3o seconds away.

Wow I'm exhausted. And this post is REALLY long. I'm going to try to post more often, so hopefully I'll write about the rest of the stuff on the list soon.

Good night!